Pariah | Muse

There’s one particular reason I like to be out when it’s getting warm… people gazing. And no, not like Joe Goldberg… It’s more like sonder. I’m easily encapsulated by others’ stories that I don’t yet know, and probably never will. It’s a sad thought for a second, until a few new people pass by and I’m wondering all over again. 

The warm weather in Chicago has been bringing a lot of couples out for dates, despite the wind carrying the occasional hat away. As said couples sauntered past my family’s little brunch table this afternoon, my mind spun with questions. Where did they meet? Was it awkward? Was it love at first sight? Was it fumbly, was it sure? Are y’all happy? What does it take? Is it worth it? 

Yes, I’m nosy. No, I don’t care. I never ask out loud anyways, though free will does exist… maybe I will ask, one day. 

My nosiness does not come without purpose, though. My entire young adulthood leading up to now has been an unwieldy fumble of very few long-term partners, regretful first encounters, and anxiety riddled efforts. It’s made me recede into my shell, afraid of the vibe I’ll give off on any other first dates. I’ve become fiddly in the face of love’s challenge; the NERVE of anxiety. 

I wrote a poem titled “Anxious in Love” that can be found in my poetry book; it sums up the feeling that plagues me (and many others with anxiety). The piece describes the emotions behind conquering the initial “hump”, the first meeting. I have a nasty habit of canceling dates, outings, or anything at the last second because of anxious thoughts and somatic symptoms, and it’s ruined my outlook on new love. It’s made me lean into comfort over true potential. It’s this lover girl’s greatest shame. 

So I want to ask these couples how they met, at least. I’d love to hear the stories of successful first humps, despite obstacles. I want to know that new, true love is possible. Of course, I know it is, but for someone like me who struggles with extreme anxiety and sensory issues, it seems so far-fetched. I want the motivation that these stories would provide me. We need more of the success stories! 

I have a couple stories myself, that I try to keep in mind when fear threatens to overcome romantic pull. I often think about the anxious firsts that blossomed into more, how I commended myself back then for showing up and making something of the connection regardless of how it ended. I miss the me that was brave that way. 

I miss the me that didn’t fear approaching potential. 

Leave your awkward success stories in the comments. I need em! 

Because, baby… the nerve of anxiety.