Pariah | Muse

Hey, y’all! Long time, no see – I hope everyone had an amazing holiday with their loved ones. Spring is springing, and the mood is lifted! Not to mention, it’s this girl’s birthday month and national poetry month… I live! 

My birthday was… as expected. Relaxing. Every year God sits me down by way of force, through sickness, fallen plans, rainstorms, meteors, dinosaurs … you name it, I’ve seen it on my birthday, year after year. God has been trying to teach me to enjoy my own company, my own space and thoughts, and this year I am so grateful to have been sick again. Whew… that sounds so crazy. 

I’ve been in such a state of mental turmoil for the past few weeks, and I was getting lost in the sauce, to be honest. I was tripping over how much energy I was expending, trying to find acceptance. Then I sat down on the 19th and thought… “This is perfect. This is quiet, still Heaven. No one needs to be here for me to find peace”. 

And I was right… until a couple of weeks ago. 

I’d like to preface this by saying that the Lover Girl persona is no gimmick- it is my real personality. If you’re reading this and thinking about me romantically, think again. 

I’m OK alone… until you press me for my space. Until you say the right things, swoon me, love on me, hold me tight… I promise I’m OK until all of this occurs. I’m OK until I’ve been touched… and a couple of men in my lifetime went and made a bad habit of pushing all of those buttons soooo good, until they’d gotten in my bed. Then, the let up is real. And so is my disappointment.

I. AM. A. LOVER. GIRL. Not “sex girl”, not “fling” girl. Not “situationship girl”. LOVER GIRL. I live for love and the honest, direct pursuit of it. 

It takes a lot for me to break that shell and live outside of my own world… It takes so much effort to let someone into my bubble. When I spend time in the presence of another soul, it is intentional. Touch is hard for me… until I’m sure about you. And I’m never sure, until I’m assured that the other party is… though that’s always a false pretense. The aftermath of that is devastating, 100% of the time. 

Y’all… disguising your intentions under the face of a crush is so diabolical. So detrimental. Then to expose your true intentions after the trickery, thinking it’s valiant, is sickening. 

I’ve been spending the majority of the past few days crying, healing, yearning, sliding down the wall wondering why… again. I’ve been introspecting and looking deep into myself, trying to figure out why I solely attract broken men, who have no interest in letting me guide with empathy. Who have no interest in letting a healer heal. My body is not my only asset, and I’m sick of feeling like it. So why am I treated like so? 

People will probably argue and say that my visual content says otherwise… and maybe it does. Maybe I should start wearing turtlenecks and overalls, they do suit me.  

But my real content… the deeply written truths that only my long-time, devoted readers delve into… is who I am. I long to be courted, to be a man’s only focus as far as women. I love to be protected, I love to nurture and care. I love the feeling I get when I know a man is mine. I love to live in my femininity. I’m waiting to be able to breathe and just be… I am so sick of having to live in masculine energy. 

It feels unnatural… wrong. It feels so wrong to have my guard up, worrying if I’m being too forward with my care and concern. It feels wrong to avoid asking for reassurance, to hold back on how much I speak to someone for fear of them leaving. I hate not being able to ask questions. I hate feeling misguided. I hate having to hide the depth of my emotions in order to receive even a crumb of love. It’s devastating. 

The least I’ve asked from a man is not to touch me if he has no intention of carrying on with me and following through emotionally. Life is already hard enough. Physical intimacy does not relieve me of my stress, it just gets the lover girl in me started. Touching me with an empty heart would be your worst mistake. 

Mmm… that feels good to get off my chest. My truth doesn’t seem to be abundant these days, and the dating pool is shallow, but maybe this blog post will keep the strays away. Maybe this truth will make it easier to weed out the ones that are worried about having me physically first. As a matter of fact, reading this post is my new dating requirement. This is really not a game. 

So, that’s the tea lately, ladies and gents. Until next time, and I promise next time will be sooner than this post came about. I’m off to enjoy the rest of my birthday month! Much love.