Pariah | Muse

Lately I’ve been extremely lonely. It’s a recurring theme in my life. Whether the separation is by life or by choice, I’m always, always lonely. 

This loneliness extends only to romanticism. I’m grateful to all of my friends and family for fulfilling me daily, I’m grateful to myself for showing up for myself. I’m grateful to have a job I like and a craft that fills me up, and I’m grateful for all of the random love I receive from strangers, by holding doors open, or giving a friendly nod while passing by. All of that is real love, and it would be wrong of me to negate that.

But, I’m still lonely. 

We all have that time in our lives where it’s quiet and we think “I wish I had someone to fill this time with. To share and laugh with, and love on”. That seems to be my steady constant recently. Some people seek romantic connection out of boredom, but my yearning comes from deep. I was not meant to be single. I thrive in union. 

That sounds crazy, probably.  

Of course, I’m fine alone. I’m in no dire situation. And I know that I should be in no rush, because what’s meant to be will happen… that’s faith come to fruition. But I yearnnnnnnn. 

I took advantage of closeness in my younger years. I didn’t fully recognize the real moments that I shared with love interests back then, because I was distracted. Still growing, determining niche and purpose. Needless to say, lover girl didn’t exist back that.  But there’s been real love… oh, it was real. 

Now, at the ripe old age of 28, I find myself fearing solitude. It’s hard to figure out where I’m at on the sliding scale between fear and yearning, but maybe, just maybe I’m right in the middle. 

It makes me think about how many people settle, fearing loneliness. It makes me wonder what my destiny will be; will I be content alone if push comes to shove? Or will I, too, settle and create a life that’s just outside of the scope of what I truly want?

Real, unadulterated, beautiful, real love.