Pariah | Muse

Life is so hard right now- for everybody, undoubtedly. 

But it’s especially hard for our friends with mental illnesses. 

I think about that damned day 11 years ago every single time I lay my head down to sleep. It was Christmas Eve of 2014, and I didn’t want a taste of my grandmother’s cherry cheese pie for the first time in my life. The change in my persona was palpable; I was no longer social, I could not eat or drink, my body wouldn’t stop vibrating inside. The sensation was so unsettling that I could not rest… I spent hours pacing that night, my mind worrying over ridiculous things that could happen. I was dizzy, hot and nauseous, and I’d been that way for all of finals week, but this had to be the finale. I was convinced I was about to expire. Every “off” sensation was coming to a head, and by the time I was begging my mom to take me to the hospital, my vision was blacking out. 

I’d have laughed in the doctor’s face had they begun with, “this is a panic attack”. Instead, they introduced me to a psychiatrist who asked me gentle, poignant questions until coming to the conclusion that I should be admitted. And I was, for nearly the entirety of Christmas break, my senior year of high school. I’ve been on medication since that life-changing week, and still the sensations just. Don’t. Stop. They are only tempered. 

Now, match those unending sensations with a continuous slew of worldwide traumas, back-to-back personal struggles, a sickening talent of empathy and a serious lack of love, and you’ve got my life. And probably the lives of many other mental illness sufferers. The mind is so strong and resilient, yet so delicate and easily-influenced. And the influence this world brings is so, extremely disheartening. 

My spirit has officially been broken. 

The type of tiresome this is… it’s impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t felt the pain. It’s impossible to convey what the struggle of scavenging for your next meal is like, or not being able to afford meds that are essential to your paper thin sanity. This struggle is… not normal. 

I could go on and delve deeper, but this is not a therapy session or a pity party- this is a lesson. I say all of this to say, once again, that life is hard- for everyone. But, especially for our friends with mental illnesses. So be there, be open, be empathetic and considerate… love your people because you never know what’s going on inside the bodies and minds and lives of others. As I continue to lose things essential to living, all I really ask for is love, understanding and support in the face of mental illness, and those seem to be foreign languages these days. Maybe I’m wrong, and I’m just looking in the wrong spaces. I hope I’m wrong. 

Or maybe, just maybe, more people are ill than not. And that thought crushes me. 

Love each other. Listen to each other. Help make each other’s lives easier. Life on this earth is already hard enough- consideration and kindness could save a life. 

Check on your friends with mental illnesses. Your SELFLESSNESS COULD SAVE A LIFE. Then, watch the love return to you ten-fold. I promise, love always returns in one form or another. Please be selfless and check on your friends.