Pariah | Muse

I’m ashamed to admit this out loud, but I have to for my own healing, and you should too when you’re ready. It comes down to this- I don’t like who I become when I’m hurting. She’s a monstrous, angry, unhealed and masculine beast. I’m not saying your being presents the same way, but nobody likes the way it feels to sit in pain… It makes your average lover girl want to layer her heart in steel, locked away to never be broken again, especially when the pain is at the hands of a person we loved romantically. 

I’ve noticed that when my heart is hurting, I become this extremely hyper-independent, sarcastic, snippy shut-out who can’t be swayed by pretty words or even actions. My ability to trust wanes significantly, and my interest level in new connections fades to 0. My feminine nature breaks. I start carrying myself with a different type of swagger that can often be mistaken for uptightness or overconfidence, or maybe even a superiority complex… when really, I’m just hiding my hurt… hiding my heart. Even the masculine independence that comes with that is toxic. I’ve been through too much pain to let the good show.

And I am so ashamed of that. If you’re with me, I feel you lover girl. The good news is that there is an answer. A few of them, actually! Today, I just want to talk about one:

Gratitude.

 Cliche, I know. But it works. When you start to switch your focus to what you have instead of what you’ve lost, your whole spirit lifts. It’s not easy, especially for the lover girl who quite literally sees love as life (and a loss of love as…), but with some practice it is so doable. Think about all of the other love you do have. There is so much more to life than submitting to a partner, so much more love to give and receive than the romantic type, and we don’t have to live in the space that the pain of romantic loss left us in. This doesn’t mean we don’t yearn. It means we should focus our attention towards the opportunity to take our love back, and our ability to place it somewhere that suits us!

This year has been filled with so much pain. I stopped and asked God how on earth it’s possible for dating to be so grim. Dating should be fun, light, new and poetic, but I’ve come across so much hurt, betrayal and trickery (and not the good kind). The answer was that I made myself too available and open to connections that clearly weren’t compatible. I gave all of my time and energy, pouring into empty cups with holes at the bottom, only to be left empty myself when the receiver realized I wasn’t their cup of tea. 

That hurt so badly until I realized… My best friends need that love. My mom needs that love. My sister, grandparents and even other strangers need that kind hand and heart. My need to outpour can so be satiated by my platonic loved ones. I’ll always yearn for an intimate partner; that’s a part of me that I can’t heal away. But until he’s met, platonic love is surely enough, and I am grateful!