Pariah | Muse

Just for a moment, try to imagine your life without sex. Can you do it? Be honest… 

Yeah, me neither. 

Sex is such a sacred union, a bonding of souls, something so deep that it can only be described as revered. That’s the problem. As humans, we center parts of our world around it: getting it, consuming it, embodying sexual desire. Sex makes money, it makes the world go round, it creates life. And if you’re like me you’ve no doubt been having one thought as you push through the throng of intimately starved fish lining the dating pool : sex is ruined. 

It’s such a beautiful, easy distraction. One that seems to fulfill all desires at once, but wanes off like a drug when it’s finished. There are some that can’t seem to get enough of it, counting up seemingly endless partners on their life’s journey. For some it’s an addiction, and for others, (a rather small percentage) it’s an aversion. Then, to the lot that remains, it’s something binding. 

I belong to that lot. My sexuality is an important part of my life, an experience I would grudgingly, slowly, and unwillingly let go of. Because it is so deep to me, I have an even deeper refusal to share my body with just anyone. Desire does not overtake me – it can’t, unless I’m in love. 

Our bodies tell us when something is not good for us – it’s why some feel regret and shame after sharing intimate experiences with someone they know won’t be around for much longer. Sexual or not! It’s why some immediately search for the next partner. It’s why some consistently return to the last partner. The intimate, yearning parts of us need somewhere to rest, and for some, that so happens to be between someone else’s thighs. It’s an understandable, yet despicable predicament to this lover girl. 

Personally I won’t allow myself to be touched when I’m hurting and unsure, for one particular reason – the sanctity of the bond. When we’re intimate, we share more than just our bodies; we share our souls. Your hurt becomes their hurt, and vice versa. Sex is an exchange of energies, and it’s all too possible for a session to turn shallow and meaningless in the throes of pain. I refuse to treat something so healing with anything but respect. Plus, when you’re emotionally healthy with a healed heart, the sex is better, anyway.